Kim Bellas - Sober is the New Cool

In 2013, Kim Bellas’ 15-year-old started having seizures. Like many teenagers, he liked going to parties. He was unable to drink our to his seizures. Kim instinctively wanted him to know that drinking alcohol wasn’t necessary for him to enjoy himself. It dawned on her how hypocritical she was being, as she frequently found herself drinking wine. 

To prove a point for her son, she stopped drinking for three months, and then added another three months. What started as an example for her son became something she wanted to commit for herself. She is now 11 years sober, and started the Sober is Cool movement. Tune into this episode to learn more about Kim's Story. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi friends, this is Alice McGraw, founder of the Mindful Life practice, and you're listening to the Sober Yoga Girls audience. I'm a Canadian who moved across the world to the Middle East at age 23, and I never went back. I was sober in 2019 and I now live full-time in Bali, Indonesia. I made it my mission to help other women around the world stop drinking, start yoga, and change their lives through my online Sober Girls Yoga community. You're not alone, and a sober life can be fun and fulfilling. Let me show you how.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Okay, hello friends. Welcome back to another episode of Sober Yoga Girl Podcast. I'm so excited to be sitting here with Kim Bellas this morning. And Kim and I were chatting before we started recording. I think we've had each other on Instagram for like maybe five years. And she has an amazing movement. The sober is the new cool movement. I'm always seeing your merchandise popping up everywhere. And so I'm just thrilled to have you here and to hear more about your story and how you got started doing the work you're doing. So welcome, Kim.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

Thank you so much. I'm so, so, so honored to be here with you because I love everything you do. And you know, for me, I'm six, I'm gonna be 64 and seeing someone like you that's so young and is helping so many people, I just think it's so fantastic. Just honestly, I I'm I'm in awe. So, with that, thank you for having me, and I'm so glad to be here. And, you know, my story starts out quite differently than most. Um, in 2013, um, my son was having grown male seizures. He was an avid football player, he was 13 years old. He was like, we were out five nights a week exercising, and then um the seizures started. And we thought at the beginning it was concussion related. We'll never really know why, but in fact, alcohol would never play a part in his life with his medication. And after a few months of him being put on medication, um, he said to I said, Matt, you've got to get out. You know, I was afraid to let him ride a bike, imagine, after playing football five nights a week, because I never knew when the next seizure would come. And then I thought, okay, we've got to start trying to live. And after a few times of him going out, he'd come home, he'd call me and say, Mom, come and get me. And I'd the third time I just said, Okay, Matthew, this is not working. Why are you not like your friends are still your friends? You know, you've grown up with them. He said, Mom, I don't fit in. They drink beer, you know, they I they smoke pot. I just don't fit in anymore. So I said, Oh, come on. And as I said it, I said, you don't need alcohol and drugs to have fun. And I had the biggest glass of wine in my hand. And I thought, you're the biggest hypocrite on this planet. And with that said, I said, it was like a truck hit me, and I said, Matthew, I'm gonna stop drinking for three months. I'm gonna prove to you that you do not need alcohol to have fun. So three months came and went, and then he said to me, See, Mom, now you can be like everybody else. And even as I say it now, 12 years later, I get shivers because I thought, wow, you know, I said, okay, no, no, no, I'm gonna stop for another three months. And it'll be 12 years, January 12th, that I've never touched another drop of alcohol again. And, you know, I guess for me, I loved my son more than I loved myself. That's really the story. And as time went on, the first year especially, I remember people saying, You never had a problem. What's wrong with you? You know, come in the corner, just have a drink with me. Nobody needs to know. And I thought, I would know, and I'd be lying to my son. And I thought, this, and I thought, if this is what's happening to me every time I go somebody somewhere, someone's saying to me, just have one, right? Um, I thought, how is he going to manage? How is he going to be able to get through these social situations? And I guess also, in one way, I remember saying to Matthew, I'm sorry you got sick, but you gave me back my life. Because then I realized how much, in fact, I did drink. And whether you think it's a problem or not, to this day, I think if I've never had another one and I don't want to, and I'm afraid to still, because there must have been a problem, right? And with that, I just, you know, put one foot in front of the other. But him being epileptic, the funny part of it was he never wanted to say he couldn't drink. And I just couldn't get it. I didn't understand why that was so hard for him to say. That, and because he wanted to be like everyone else, he wanted to get crazy, he wanted to like, you know, talk to the girl and whatever, or jump, you know, do dumb boy things or girl things, whatever people do when they drink. And so I guess I started Sober as the New Cool with my sister. It was like down on a kitchen island. It was, you know, we were first we were at the beach and she was doing, we had a napkin with our sandwiches, and she started like making this image, and she put Sober as the New Cool with a wave because of a beach, and she wanted it to go up and down. I turned it sideways, and so here we are, it's sideways. But it wasn't this is never supposed to be anything other than for my son. I started a Facebook page which I knew nothing about social media at 52, and it was really for him to be able to say, My mom doesn't drink, right? So it takes off the I guess all that pressure on him. And I remember him bringing friends to the house, you know, with the backpacks and how beer goes in their backpack, and he'd say, You guys can't bring that here because my mom stopped drinking from me. And when he said that, I thought, wow, okay, this is just and one day just got into another day, and then we did this Facebook page. And I don't know, don't even, it was like, I don't even know really how I got to where I am, because this was really supposed to be for my son to realize that not drinking was okay, it was socially acceptable. He didn't need to explain why, or if he didn't choose to. And with that said, I I started getting all these messages from the UK, from mothers, from young women, from young men. How did you do it? How did you just stop? And I was like, okay, well, I guess I've got to answer this. And it was like, I guess, and 12 years ago, there was really nothing online except for Hello Sunday morning out of the UK, out of Australia. And I thought, okay, well, I'll just answer what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. And it just kept going. So the t-shirts were made more as um, and the hoodies, one to give back to the sober and mental health community, because for me, I believe the two go hand in hand. And I guess um my my son was depressed, not playing football and his life changing. And I was depressed for him, you know, not being able to heal him as a mother, right? And um, so the only way I could support him was by not drinking. So that was my mission. And then somewhere along the line, it just sort of evolved into me helping other people around the world. And I felt like, how lucky am I that they trust me enough with their stories and their fears and their hopes and their dreams? And, you know, I always wanted a daughter. I have two wonderful sons. And um, you know, I started meeting all these young women, and I guess because I'm not their mother, it's easier to take from a stranger. Um, and you know, I could say just about anything, and they would say, well, we could argue maybe a bit about it, but there was not that full-on um problem, you know, of you know, getting mad at one another, I guess. It was more like we could really communicate. And then I met this young woman called Natty, and she asked me to do a tattoo with her. And I was kind of like, oh, I'm 52, I'm more ribbons and bows. But I thought if that was my son asking a stranger, uh, even though we had been talking online for about a year at that point, um, something, how could I say no? So I didn't tell anybody because I was too afraid of what people would say. And I went and we did it on WhatsApp, her in London, England, and me in Montreal, we did our tattoos, matching tattoos, at the same time. And I used to say to her every day, I love you, Infinity Plus One. She became the daughter I never had. And she loved pink hearts and I loved white hearts. So she came up with the design, we did it, and that was, you know, um, I guess our bond. And unfortunately, this year she lost her battle with mental health and addiction. And I thought, oh, I can't do this anymore. But so many young women set spoke out and said because of Firth, they were able to heal because she was able to talk so openly and honestly about her mental health and her anxiety, her um personality disorder, her um not feeling worthy enough, um, and drinking, you know, so and the traumas she had. So I thought, what better way than to keep going on and honoring my sweet Natty every single day? And um, I know she somehow is in heaven watching me, and you know, I am where I am. I really believe because, you know, there's something much bigger than me, because I just seem to be at the right place at the right time helping people. And um, every time I seem to want to give up or stop, um something else happens, and then I go one step again in front of each other, you know. And, you know, the t-shirts and the merchandise, people get them, but it's really more about for them, if they're in an airport, if they have their hoodie on or a t-shirt and they sit at the bar, well, it's kind of like, okay, no, I don't drink, right? And sober's the new cool, and it's just kind of stuck, you know, it's kind of a cute name and and it makes people feel like you know, proud, and they should be, because I think it's the biggest accomplishment somebody can can have is staying sober because it is hard, it's very hard.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

Oh my gosh, wow. This that story just gave me shivers and made me so emotional because I just feel like they're so like definitely from my childhood looking up to adults who drank. And they I remember adults saying, like, you don't need to drink, or like, you know, whatever to me when I was a teenager, but their words were not matching their actions. And so for your story of like actually making a change in your in the way you were acting to to embody this new lifestyle from your son, I just think it's like it's very moving.

SPEAKER_02 11:23

Well, I think I was lucky with, you know, I really feel I'm a lucky person because with all without all that, I mean, I had an okay life. I wasn't a stranger to alcohol problems because we did have problems in our family with alcohol. So um, but I think my life would have continued as it was, as uh as kind of like a half-living, you know. And since I stopped drinking, I do think, you know, I've been able to learn to try and meditate and try like everything's like uh trying to move forward, you know, as opposed to being closed-minded and you know, like never having a tattoo. Like if you had told me 20 years ago I was gonna have a tattoo, I would have said, never in a million years, you know, or would I be meeting all these people around the world, or you know, I got to walk in Fashion Week for an organization called We Will Break Free, which is they uh believe that everybody is equal. So they had old models like me, uh young ones, uh small, tall, uh, all shapes, sizes, you know, and you know, it different sexualities. And it was just such a movement, and you know, trying to help them pass this law called Daniel's law. I mean, these are things that never would have I ever thought I would be able to do in my life.

SPEAKER_01 12:49

And it feels it sounds to me like you just have a really genuine like desire to help people. That's what it sounds like, and you really get fulfillment from from supporting people.

SPEAKER_02 12:59

I do. And for me, I think, you know, um if I help somebody, then somebody else helps somebody else. It just kind of like goes that way, you know. It's people say, Oh, that was so nice. What did you, you know, how can I repay you? And I just no, there's no repayment of anything. You just do something nice for somebody else. Because I think that's what the world needs right now, or always has, but now more than ever.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So, how has your son's journey been? Because that was like almost 12 years ago now. Um, and obviously now he's like an adult. So, how has his is he still having these experiences around like peer pressure and drinking, or what's that, what's his journey been like with sobriety?

SPEAKER_02 13:42

Well, now I could say he'll be seven years seizure free in January. So I'll be 12 years uh sober free and he'll be seven years seizure free. Um, it's been really hard, I have to say, it still is very hard. He's only uh he just turned 27 in August. And I know for a lot of people that sounds like he's a a young man, but with everything that he went through, um, it's been really hard for him. And uh, you know, we'd go two years seizure free, and then whoops, something would happen again, and we'd have seizures. And, you know, uh, I think for him too, when he gets in these situations where there's people drinking, he'll stay for an hour or so. And I can see he's he just gets very uncomfortable with it. Like he still kind of has that I don't fit in. And um, this uh we did an international walk around the world where we had uh I started this during COVID, and this year we had 30 countries walking together. And this year was the first year he attended with me in Montreal with a sober as the new hoodie, and he was proud. He was like it's the first time in all this time, and there were big moments because a lot of his friends have become sober now because of either cocaine addiction or gambling or whatever their addiction has been, and he's been able to, they've been able to talk to him just to discuss whether he's not like a therapist, but a friend, somebody you can confide in. But this this September for International Recovery Day, I could see there was a shift where he thought, okay, I am part of something bigger and better, and I don't have to be shy. And you know, his his shoulders were like straight, and the the camera, the TV station was there, and they were interviewing him, and he spoke so well. I was like so proud, and I thought, okay, you know, and I think it's important because also I do deal with a lot of young women, but a lot of young men don't have enough places to share, and it's different somehow for them. It's you know, that there's just a it is, there's nothing I can say. Um, so that was a great moment. That was like, I think, a turning point for him. But it's been, you know, we go to a wedding or whatever, it's still um, you know, and in the 12 years, I have to say there were moments where uh in the ambulance we went because he did drink and he wanted to be like everyone else, you know.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

It's so hard, it's so difficult.

SPEAKER_02 16:24

And I think for me too, I don't know about you, but you know, there was a situation not too long ago, and and you know, I was getting those moments of not feeling good enough, and you know, like I get these things of oh my god, if only and that moment was like, oops, if only I had that glass of wine, it would be so much easier to do this. And then I thought, wow, so I have to kind of spin myself like a top and leave where I am quickly because it does come and it's 12 years later, it kind of creeps up on you, you know?

SPEAKER_01 16:59

Yep. Oh yeah, I absolutely experienced that this week. Like I've been I've been five and a half years sober, and I was having moments of like, oh, I really wish, I really wish I could have a drink. Um, and just for me, I think I thought it would help me have a deeper connection, you know. And uh, and I think that is like that's your point about like young men compared to young women. I think there's way more spaces for young women, like even you know, these circles, it's more accepted for women to um to talk about their emotions and to have a space to support each other, whereas for men, it's just not part of um it's not part of their socialization. And so as a result, they just I think struggle to support each other in this in this way.

SPEAKER_02 17:41

And I remember hearing some uh there's a young man, well, he's 43, so I call him young. Um, and he was saying how men feel like you know, they carry the groceries, they have to carry the load all the time, and that's why they don't want to be the, you know, put something on someone else. It's just the way they, you know, society has made them be. And I thought, wow, that's an interesting way of, and you know, so then I talked to my son about it and I said, you know, you don't have to be all things to all people, you just have to be good to you, you know. So, but it's you know, for everyone, I guess it's you know, we're all learning as we go, and we're but it's nothing is easy, nothing worthwhile is easy, I don't think.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

So true, it's so true. So, this walk that you did, I saw this clip. You were, I think you were on CTV News, right? Yes, I think this is why I thought you were in Ontario because we got on the call and was like, You're in Ontario, right? Because I think I saw you on Ontario news channel. Um, but that's just amazing, that's an incredible movement. And so that's an annual walk that you do in the fall. And what's that for?

SPEAKER_02 18:51

Well, International Recovery Day is September 30th around the world, and believe it or not, in Canada, um, not too many places have that. So last year, um, the National Assembly decided to do a declaration in the name of Sober as the New Cool and make an International Recovery Day for us. So, with that said, the MA that did it, um, she said, okay, you've been doing these walks virtually because of COVID. We're gonna do a walk in Montreal. I said, No, no, I can't. It's two weeks away. We how am I gonna like? So last year we did it. And so it was like a kind of like, oh my God, just kind of get it done. And this year we partnered with Portage Canada. Um, and they're a great organization, and some other people. And I had uh Monica, a girl that started off with a yoga, and a you know, it was just it was incredible. So we had 30 countries that we had people walking on that day at different times, obviously, except from Friday to the Monday, uh different time zones. And you know, I just reposted everyone walking, but I think the best part for me in Montreal was um having these young women with their baby carriages coming and you know, really healing for future generations, you know, and being so proud that I mean, I, you know, uh those four young mothers, I think they're their their faces will stay in my heart forever because I just thought, not if only I had done that then, but I always kind of have that little thing, why didn't I stop sooner? You know, so when I see young women or young men um being so proud and saying, you know, I'm I'm I'm working on myself and I'm getting better, I I it's like I I just sit there and go, wow, this is like absolutely incredible that this movement is happening and it's getting bigger and bigger. So hopefully next year we'll have more than 30 countries and you know, continue it so that people know that really they're not alone. And you know, this, you know, so much is said about uh online media that it can be toxic, and yes, it can be, but there's a really great sober community. And really, I think you know, when you need someone there, it's you know, you can find that person. And if people just would connect every single day and and just make sure that everybody's okay, I think that you know, a lot of people uh, because we don't know who we're empowering or inspiring, you know, when we talk. And it's a wonderful thing for somebody to feel that they're heard and they, you know, they are valued, because I think that's part of part of the problem I've heard from most people is they feel this they're trying to fill a void of some kind. And that's what the alcohol or the drugs do. It's just the band-aid of the real problem that exists.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

That's so true. So, where do you visualize, like, where do you want sober as the new? To go in the next um few years. What do you envision?

SPEAKER_02 22:05

Well, I started doing this once COVID was over. I started getting these little white parts. This is a bigger version. But basically, I send um I started sending them with merchandise and stuff. And then I decided, no, this the white part initiative has to be uh for anybody and everybody that needs to feel loved, seen, and heard. And for me, it's really more, it's not because I think everyone can get sober, but 30 days can pass, and then there could be some sort of slip or some hard time that comes. And I think what I'm really trying to make sure people know it's about wellness. And sobriety is the first step, but there's so much more that goes with that, you know, the healing of you know, whatever you're feeling, um, meditation, exercise. Um, I don't think there's a one size fit all for sobriety. I think you can use as many or as little things that matter and that work. And then the process of healing begins, and then wellness. And to me, I kind of shifted the way I talk about it because there is a stigma still around mental health and sobriety. So I'm trying now to say to people, we're all recovering from something, we're all a little bit broken inside because we all have to work on something, we all have to figure out, you know, because life is challenging. So, with that said, this little white heart goes out. Some people will send a donation and say, Can you send a white heart to someone somewhere? And um I just send it out with a card, and they know, or if I'm at a conference, I put it in their hand and I say, You have a piece of my heart, I have a piece of yours, and you will never be alone. And uh, I had one wonderful woman in the United States donate these wonderful um blankets. I'll just show you. Um, and she had a white heart engraved in the middle of it. So the first white blanket is going out to um, well, Santa came to pick it up yesterday, actually, to a young person in the UK that uh we wanted to be wrapped in wellness before Christmas because she'll be having uh heart operations and she's only eight years old, and her mother is uh a wonderful, sober person, and we just want to support her and her daughter at this time. So Santa has decided she's the first one to get one of these blankets, and so basically it was like a little auction that I did, and people could bid on it. And I have to say, most people said, No, I don't want the blanket, I want it to go to somebody more deserving, which to me says it all about the little white heart because that's really what it's about. And, you know, so then in turn I send everybody a little white heart in the mail, anyways, that donate it just because I think, you know, the fact that it's so small, you can put it in your pocket, you can put it in your hand, you could put it in your wallet. And when you have that moment where you feel like you're alone when you hold on to it, it's um I've been told that it really gets people through these really, really hard moments in life. And I think that that's so is the new cool is is you know, the t-shirts and that stuff, whatever I make from that goes right back into, you know, helping others. This Christmas with the little white hearts, we'll be giving out gift cards to Walmart and um, you know, maybe Tim Hortons or whatever, to different places where young people are in women's shelters that are in sobriety to help them make their holiday a bit brighter. And in uh January we'll do an event because you know the food banks are empty in January. Um people seem to forget, you know, everybody kind of hibernates and you know, the holidays are over, everybody wants to get, but people still need to live and people still need to eat. So the little white heart will be doing more of those auctions in January to be able to help other people around the world that you know need our help and our support. And I know that when that happens, they just turn around and do it for somebody else. So that I think is my biggest joy right now is the fact that you know Santa chose somebody and that'll go out tomorrow morning by UPS because we have this terrible uh strike right now. So we have to just keep um our little white hearts going around the world as much as we can.

SPEAKER_01 26:49

That's so beautiful, amazing. Okay, I have one more question for you, um, which is if you had any advice to someone who is just starting their alcohol-free journey, what advice would you give them?

SPEAKER_02 27:03

I think the the most important thing is to surround yourself with people that will support you and or will be non-judgmental. And I really believe that it's beginning when people are um getting sober, they need a community around them because it is hard. And you know, the the zero judgment is the most important thing. I think they need somebody that kind of says, I think for me, when people say when I would say me too, or somebody would say me too, everybody else's shoulders just kind of drop. Doesn't mean you had the exact same experience, but you understand. And when somebody understands what you're going through, you're most more likely to share and get through those moments because it's just moments, they're little tiny moments, and um we just need to keep going and just think it's just for right now, right now. Don't think about tomorrow, just right now. And you deserve a great life. You just do. Everybody does.

SPEAKER_01 28:09

So beautiful. Oh, Kim, this was so amazing. Um, thank you so much for sharing your story. And I'm gonna stop the recording in a moment, and that way people can ask any questions um they have for you off the recording.

SPEAKER_00 28:22

So thank you. Hi, friend. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Sober Yoga Girl Podcast. This community would not exist without you. So thank you for being here. It would be massively helpful if you subscribe to this show and leave a review so that we can reach more people. And if we haven't met yet in real life, please come hop on Zoom at the Mindful Life Practice because the opposite of addiction is connection, sending you love and light wherever you are in the world.