Sober Social with Mocktail Mommy

After a short few weeks away...we're back with regular episodes again! I loved recording this episode with Kristi Tanner, aka Mocktail Mommy, live as part of Sober Girls Club. Kristi is a powerhouse of a woman and such an inspiration. Living in Wisconsin, Kristi found herself a single mom of four children under the age of five during the pandemic. In this episode she tells her story of where she came from - and how she overcame it all - to start Sober Social, her new non alcoholic bar in Wisconsin. You can find Kristi on Instagram at: https://www.instagram.com/mocktailmommy 

If you are interested in joining our live Sober Girls Club each Sunday (which includes a check-in, meditation and a guest speaker or journal prompt) join our membership here! https://themindfullifepractice.uscreen.io/

Transcript

Alex

Hi, friend. This is Alex McRobs, founder of the Mindful Life Practice, and you're listening to the Sober Yoga Girl podcast. I'm a Canadian who moved across the world to the Middle East at age 23, and I never went back. I got sober in 2019, and I now live full-time in Bali, Indonesia. I've made it my mission to help other women around the world stop drinking, start yoga, and change their lives through my online Sober Girls yoga community. You're not alone, and a sober life can be fun and fulfilling. Let me show you how. So let's come into a comfortable shape, and you can just close the eyes or soften the gaze. As you land in stillness, take deep breaths in and out. Noticing anything that you can hear around you or feel around you, or sense around you. Anything that you can hear, or sense, or feel around you, let it just bring you closer into the present. So into this moment. Setting an intention for what you want to receive from next little bit of time together. And then just open the eyes.

Alex

Beautiful.

Alex

So I'm so excited to be sitting here with Kristi Tanner. And Kristi and I have been connected on social media for, I don't even know how long, a couple of years. And I've been watching her journey. She's five years sober now, and she also just opened a non-alcoholic bottle shop in Wisconsin. I think it's called Sober and Social. Is that correct? Sober and Social?

Kristi 

Sober and Social. Yeah.

Alex

Yeah. And when you open the shop, I was like, Man, I just really need to invite her to share her story with us. And so I was wondering if you could just tell us a bit about your sober journey to start off, maybe where you were before you got sober, and tell us about that.

Kristi 

Sure. Yes. I never planned to be a sober entrepreneur. That was not part of the plan. I got sober on July sixth, 2019. It was not It was not like this would be a good choice for me. It was the end of my rope. I had found my rock bottom. I had at the time four children under the age of five and a half, no twins. So I had three toddler boys and then a seven-month-old daughter. And I had gone to rehab one time before when I had three boys, and I had thought, I'm going to go. I'm going to give it 30 days. I'm going to really commit myself. I'm going to do it this time because I was having consequences. It was like going to the parties and becoming a liability rather than being fun. It was like somebody had to get me home. Somebody had to figure out how they were going to get me home. And what happened, I went to rehab the first time, and it was because other people told me I needed to. And so I went. I was like, fine, if I'm not allowed to be here, I'll be somewhere else.

Kristi 

But the commitment wasn't mine. I was not committed for myself. I was there because other people wanted me to be there. Other people can want you to be sober as much as they want. You can want to be sober for other people as much as you want. But until you find that thing inside of you, why you want to be sober for yourself, it's probably not going to stick until you find your reason. So I went to this rehab. I came back. I found out I was pregnant, and I could not wait to drink. I could not wait to get this baby out of my body so that I could have my champagne because damn did I deserve it. I thought alcohol was something that you earned. It was like if you tried hard enough that day, if I had done a good enough job at being a mom and a wife and try it and fed the kids And I would give myself like, of course you deserve that. And I found other women trying to support me, seeing that I'm struggling, parenting all these little kids. But a lot A lot of women would be like, Oh, my gosh, you deserve this bottle of wine.

Kristi 

People would give me wine. Be like, You totally deserve to relax. As drinking does, it did not get better. It got worse. I got diagnosed in January, so my daughter was three months old with postpartum depression. They put me on meds. Of course, the medicine did not work because I continued drinking. And so I was like, these new meds, they aren't helping at all. And now I have these four kids. And for the first time, I stayed sober when that happened because I was actually so scared that this was something so big that alcohol couldn't fix it. And that was really the first time I felt like alcohol can't fix this problem. Problem. And I made a phone call, and I stayed sober for 37 days. And I thought, okay, if I can stay sober for 37 days in a house with this guy who doesn't like me and all these kids, I've probably got it figured out now. And so my ex-husband and I went on a date. He asked me on a date to a concert, and this is something we would have done when we were married. This was our favorite artist.

Kristi 

He's playing an hour and a half away. My ex-husband really wants to go. He's like, We should go. And he drank, and so so did I. And the next week, I got two DUIs. In the same week, I got one in Wisconsin. I had blacked out. I don't remember what happened, but I was at a friend's house. I blacked out, and I got arrested because I was blacked out, pulled over on the side of a street in the middle of Madison for I don't know what reason. I don't know where I was going. Couldn't tell you. And three days later, I drank at a party for the last time, and my ex was like, I'm taking the kids away. I don't know. You've got issues. And I did. He was like, But I don't want the kids around you, and so we're leaving. We're all leaving you. And I was like, Fine. Leave me. And I thought I would just go celebrate the fourth of July with a friend. So I got in the car and I started driving from Madison, Wisconsin, to South Haven, Michigan, which is six hours away. And I had a bottle of wine in the car for my friend.

Kristi 

For my friend. I was going to bring it to her. Thank you for having me. I wasn't going I'm going to drink it. I just gotten in trouble for drinking. I just got my first DUI. Everyone knew the secret's out. The neighborhood knows I'm all done drinking. And I'm listening to the Bubble Hour podcast on my car. I don't know what happened. I couldn't tell you what happened. I don't know what somebody said, but at some point during that episode, I reached back and I opened that bottle of wine and I drink it on the highway. And I picked up multiple other bottles on the highway that I don't remember buying. And I ended up getting arrested, blowing a 0.24 on the side of Gary, Indiana. And I went to jail in Gary, Indiana. So That is not somewhere I ever thought I would be. And I think my drinking for a long time was... I just thought I could outrun it. I could outsmart it. I could get knowledge. I would learn myself better. I would learn more about alcohol. I would learn to control it. I had a a lot of plans for alcohol to be a part of my life forever.

Kristi 

And even after rehab, the first time, I was unwilling to change. Unwilling. To change. But after I went to jail, I woke up on the fifth floor in this cell with women who have serious addiction problems still in jail. I was on the fifth floor with people who are there for a long term, and they do that on purpose. It's like a scare tactic, and it worked. I was absolutely terrified that I was never going to get out of jail, that I was never going to see my kids again, that I would never... How could anyone trust me with my own children? It's like, Oh, my God, my whole life is blowing up. So my parents came and bailed me out of jail. My ex-husband wanted nothing to do with me, which is fine. I stayed sober for 10 days, and I went to a two-month inpatient rehab when my children were five and a half, four, two and a half, and seven months old. I didn't want to go for all the reasons. I didn't want to give up control. I didn't want people to judge me. I didn't want to miss out on things with my kids.

Kristi 

I thought fixing things with my husband was the solution. But I went to rehab, and about the first three weeks, I think I was trying to be a good rehab student, like I try and do in everything. I want people to like me. And I was trying to give the right answers, but I wasn't willing to talk about all of the problems. And one of the main problems was I thought my values value as a human being was based on status, based on who you're around, based on my husband's approval, based on all these things outside of me that I realize when I get serious, these are things I didn't care about 20 years ago, and I actually still don't. I care about people being honest, having integrity, telling the truth, being authentic, being transparent. And in rehab, they had me do this one assignment, and he said, I want you to write... So I have three boys and a girl. I want you to write a letter to your daughter, who is seven months old, and I want you to write to her the partner that you dream of her to have. How is this partner going to treat her?

Kristi 

How does this partner make her feel? How do they support her? Tell me about this person. So I write this letter, and I write, Dear Sloan, and I'm all teared up, like reading it to my therapist about all these things that I want for my daughter. And he said, That is so beautiful. Now, I need you to reread the letter, and now it says, Dear Kristi , and I need you to tell me what things you have in your partner that you dream of for your daughter. And it wasn't there. I realized I had been with somebody who doesn't value me and never did. And I was trying to win somebody's approval. It's not possible. And And I kept performing for him, thinking I'm going to win him over or something. And that's betraying myself over and over again. So after that first month of rehab, I decided to stay for another month because everyone was like, We're going to probably have to make some plans. It's Nobody really thinks you should probably be with your husband. Just really hard to hear. I didn't want to be a single mom, a single, sober, two-double DUI driving mom.

Kristi 

That is not who I thought I wanted to be. But I stayed at rehab for another month, and I committed every day to show up for myself so that my kids would get to know me and not this version of me that I had been. So I stayed for two months. I came home. I moved out of my million dollar home into a one bedroom apartment because I said, I don't think I can stay sober where I was so sick. And I know not everyone has the finances to do that, but I did. And thank God. Thank God. So I moved out in October of 2019. We did nesting. We had a full-time nanny. I didn't know what to do with myself when I got home. I had all this time. I was a stay-at-home mom to all these little kids for the last five years. And And now we have a full-time nanny, and no one trusts me with my children. And I didn't know what to do with myself. And so, Melanie, when you were talking about, what do you do alone? God, I remember that. I'm so sick of being with myself.

Kristi 

But eventually, I don't know when it happened, eventually it got better. But I went to AA every day. I don't anymore. I go occasionally, but I went to AA every day. The pandemic hit the day after I closed on my home. So I closed on my home, thank God. So we had a place to live that was separate from my ex-husband, which is wonderful. But then the pandemic hit and A. A. Room shut down, and I was eight and a half months sober with four kids by myself, and nobody would help me move in a couch. So it was really hard. I cried every single night for 18 months. And I wish I could be like, It was totally fine. After three months, I felt great. That's not true. I know that's true for a lot of people. And there are a lot of things that felt good right away. My sleep got better really quickly. But I had night sweats for almost three years after I stopped drinking. My body was so physically addicted to alcohol, and I had no idea. Yeah, I don't know. Anyway, that's some of my background. That's some of it.

Kristi 

I got sidetracked somewhere, but To help me get back on track. Where are we going now?

Alex

I just want to say thank you so much for being so vulnerable in sharing your story. I don't think I've ever heard your story I think I've heard little snippets or seeing little snippets on Instagram. But you've overcome and you've been through a lot. I always thought you were an amazing person, but to hear how much you really went through in the time leading up to your sobriety and then in your sober journey and to get to where you are now. It's really inspiring. You're an amazing woman.

Kristi 

Thanks for sharing. Yeah.

Alex

It's huge. Okay, so... And you and I have really similar sober dates also. I think I got sober, would you say July sixth, 2019? Yeah, I'm April 13th, 2019.

Kristi 

I love it.

Alex

Very close. But I can imagine experiencing the pandemic, newly sober as a parent with children at home was probably very different than being a sober single person, I think.

Kristi 

That was for sure the hardest thing, adjusting from... I felt like as the mom of four little kids, the majority of the parenting was on me, but not not to have any support or anyone to turn to or anyone to hold a baby when somebody's just broken a glass. You know what I mean? There's just like there were things or there's a dead mouse or there's just stuff that now I get to deal with because I've never been a single homeowner either. I've always had roommates or a husband or parents. And now I'm that person. I'm like, I want to phone a friend. And it's like, oh, shit, you're the friend. You're the homeowner. Like, oh. But, yeah, there was a lot of opportunity to not stay sober, easily not stay sober, because people are staying home. People are doing Zoom happy hours. Who would even know? When my kids are with their dad and then it's just me in my house, who would even know? There is a lot of mental gymnastics going on about Lisa, is this what I want? Is this the lifestyle I'm really going for? Is this something I'm committed to?

Kristi 

Is it going to pay off? How would I even know? What I do know is that I miss what I used to know, but what I don't know is what the future could hold. And I was willing to wait to see what the future would hold because my reality, when I stopped being in it, and took a bird's-eye view wasn't what it felt like when I was actually in it. It was a facade. And alcohol let me be a plawn for multiple people. Like, Here, Kristi , we'll just move you this way. And like, oh, don't like how she's acting. Pour some more champagne on. And honest to God, it worked every time. If you give me alcohol, then tell me what you want me to do. I'll do it. Because then I don't have a brain of my own anymore, and I don't care. They said that you could read between the lines and I was being... What was the word? You can't malign somebody. You can't be spitefully critical, even if it's true. Just six months ago, he was like, There's word out in the sober community that you're not sober. We're all really worried about you.

Kristi 

Okay. Four years ago, that would have sent me into a tailspin. I would have been in the hospital with some rumors like that coming towards me. But I stayed quiet. I I stayed committed to my sobriety. I took care of what I needed to in my own house. And I had five years sober last Saturday. And I opened Wisconsin's first completely non-alcoholic bottle shop. And I think a lot of people are like, What is that? And So what I wanted, what I realized is when I got sober, a lot of my friendships changed. And some of them needed to change because they weren't real friends, right? They were just drinking buddies. But some of my friends are still my friends, and they still drink, and I still love them, and we want to be friends. And it's really uncomfortable to go to a party and have the only thing for them to offer you is water. It's uncomfortable for them. It's uncomfortable for me. Do they invite me? Do they not invite me? Do I bring my own thing? Do we talk about it? Do they tell everyone that I'm sober? It's just a whole thing.

Kristi 

So I was like, This is crazy. If I didn't make drinking what was in my glass, the first thing we talk about, maybe it wouldn't be such a thing. So I was like, Okay, I'm going to go back to Total Wine, which I haven't been to in three years because I don't like liquor stores, and I'm going to see what they have. And so you go to the very back of Total Wine, which is a 5,000 square foot liquor store with free samples everywhere. Would you like a sample of whiskey? I mean, oh, my God, this is like an addict's worst nightmare, right? To walk through the store and go to the back of the store And then they're like, The non-alcohol? Oh, yeah. We might have something over there. Okay. Yeah, perfect. There seems to be one bottle of Chardonnay from 1972 or an O'Dules. And I'm like, God, What is this? This is not going to work for me. I don't even want to be in the back of the store. I don't want to come to Total Wine. It's big and it's ugly and nobody's helping me. And I've seen all these fun drinks online.

Kristi 

Where are they? Why can't I find them? Where's all this good non-alcoholic stuff? So I joined a class called Sands Bar Academy. Chris Marshall was the first guy to open a sober bar in the US in 2017 in Austin, Texas, and he did a 10-week class. I saw an advertisement on Instagram on New Year's Eve of 2023. And it was like, the class is starting in a week, and it's $800, and it's a 10-week class, and it's all about this space. And I'm like, I've become a certified recovery coach. I tried that for a while. I looked into yoga, I looked into... What didn't I look into? I was trying to figure out, where's my lane? What am I going to do? I probably need to go get a job now that my daughter is going to kindergarten. I'm ready for that next chapter, and I was very unclear about what it would or should be. So I took this class, and within two weeks of signing up, I was looking for spaces in Madison, and I was like, This is for sure what I'm going to do. For sure what I'm going to do is create a sober space that is not anonymous.

Kristi 

In fact, the opposite of anonymous because I I love AA for a lot of reasons, but I also don't do the program. I don't follow all the things and whatever, and everyone has a different opinion about in that program, how you should show up in the world. Guess what? There's nothing anonymous about me. Not one thing. You got a question, I got an answer. I'm not going to not tell you the truth. So I was like, where? Where am I going to find my sober friends? Because I know that they exist, and I don't know where they are. Because a lot of my AA meetings are beautiful 85-year-old men who haven't drank for 50 years, and that's wonderful for them. But I'm not going to go grab coffee and chit chat. So I created Sober Social, and it's 677 square feet. It's tiny, but it has hot pink tiger wallpaper in the back. It's got chandeliers. It's got a whole wall, front to back, of drink options that are non-alcoholic spirit replacements, non-alcoholic wine, non-alcoholic champagne, adaptogenic water, drinks with lion's mane and reisha mushrooms that relax you. So many cool options. And when I first thought of this idea, I was like, we live in Wisconsin, which is the number one drinking state per capita in the United States.

Kristi 

And that's where I live. And that's where I'm going to open a sober store. And honestly, the number of people that come in, mind blown, there were 400 people at the opening last week. You guys, I don't even know 400 I didn't know 400 people cared about not drinking in Madison, much less that. Then they have friends. They have friends who don't drink also. And then they tell their friends, and then all these people, it's great that I have products that people love, and that allows people to continue their nightly ritual of having a drink, connecting with friends, and feeling like they're relaxing without any of the alcohol. You love a I love cabernet. I got a cabernet. You love a margarita? We've got six of those. It's so great to empower people to choose to socialize without drinking and Then also give sober people a place to come back and celebrate. These sober people are coming back and saying, I successfully got through my first camping trip because I had these non-alcoholic beers with me, and I felt like I could go, and I could sit around the fire, and I could do what I would normally do because I'm not left out.

Kristi 

Sobriety should not be a punishment to go be alone. Sobriety is this invitation to discover who you are and find all the other people who lived like that, too. And it's been so amazing. There's sober people everywhere for so many different reasons, and they're all willing to tell me. They want to tell me. They want to tell me why they're not drinking. I've been really open about my story, and that gives other people this easy opportunity because they know my bottom. They know it. Everybody knows my bottom. They don't feel ashamed of sharing with me what happened, what they did, who they care about, what their last straw was, or why they're not drinking today. And there's plenty of people being like, I've never really thought about this, but I guess My mom drinks a little bit too much. Maybe I should drink less around my mom. Maybe I'll get something from my mom and I that's not an alcohol. All these people are just able to make choices that say to other people, I care about you. I love you. I see you. I know that you're coming to my party. I don't know.

Kristi 

I've always wanted to make a really big impact, and I've always wanted sobriety to be something attractive and approachable, not so scary, and you have to make this big, I'm an alcoholic commitment to learn about that lifestyle. You don't. You can just walk into my store. You can just walk around and look around and hang out with the people and buy something or don't, come back. You know what I mean? But we're going to be there. And now groups of sober people are like, Can we have a book club there? Can we do a meeting there? Can you do a mocktail class? It's This is how sober communities are born. And I really hope that Sober Social is so much bigger than a bottle shop. I don't have a business plan, you guys. I didn't write one. My dad is having fucking heart attack. He's like, Where's your business plan? I'm like, Right here, dad. He's like,. But it's like, I have passion and Energy, commitment. I feel like I'm doing good. I'll find out in a year if I'm making any money. But that's honestly very secondary to creating something new, loving what I'm doing every day, meeting sober people, realizing that people aren't just getting sober because they have a problem or it didn't feel good.

Kristi 

Science is coming out and it's like, Drinking is really not good for you. So it's getting harder to ignore, right? The reality of what alcohol is and what it actually does to the inside of your physical body, regardless of who you are, how much you have, people are drinking less. And it's awesome. And so my hope is that in five years from now, big alcohol is like big tobacco. And we're like, I can't believe we spent a decade glamorizing that for people, right? And do something different. So I don't know how I got here. It was a very winding path. I did not ever think I would be a sober single divorce mom of four with her own store and no business plan. But who knew?

Alex

Kristi , you are so inspiring. And your enthusiasm and your passion for the work you're doing and the alcohol-free industry, and it just oooses through the screen. I think everyone probably agree who's live on the call with it. It's just amazing. And it makes me want to... I notice the time, and I notice that we're just at the hour, but it makes me want to have you back again to share more and ask you more questions because I feel like we're only just scratching the surface right now. But I just have one more question for you, which is if you had Any advice? I know we have some people here that are in the early days of sobriety, maybe some people listening to the recording. What advice would you give to someone who's just starting out on that sober journey?

Kristi 

I think probably the most powerful tool I had in the beginning was my journal. I took it with me everywhere. I made a commitment to write down every single day, This is my day, whatever. This is my day, 13. This is my day, 14. And this is how I'm feeling. Today sucks. I'm really annoyed about everything in life. And I'm going to pick one thing to be grateful for and also put that on the page. Just one. Just one thing. I can't do all the things. It's like, don't go try and get healthy, stop eating sugar, go on a health journey, get sober. Don't do it all at the same time. But put sobriety first, make a commitment that feels good to you. I had the journal every day. I also put an affirmation on a sticky note every day. I got this little app called I am. It's this little downloadable app, and it'll send you these inspiring quotes. And I would write the inspiring quote and put it on my mirror. And so at 90 Days Sober, I had 90 Post-it notes that say, I am confident, I am brave, I am smart, I am capable, I am all these things.

Kristi 

Because when I looked in the mirror when I was first sober, I did not believe I was those things. I did not see those things, and I wanted to. And one of the biggest changes was as my sobriety continued, I was able to look myself in the eyes again in the mirror and not really hate who I saw. But journal, tell somebody that you love. You have to tell somebody, do not do this alone. It's no fun. You get to have sober friends, and it makes it so much better. I don't know. I'm trying to think what else. In the beginning, boredom was my biggest kryptonite. But as soon as you're bored with yourself, take your journal. Just go be bored with your journal in nature for one whole hour with no phone, and no iPad, and no music, and just go really put on the page how you are. Find somebody that you find somebody that you look up to, right? That's Sober. Know that if there's somebody who's ahead of you in their sobriety, they've been on your exact day. They've been in your exact day before. They've been day 14. I've been day 14.

Kristi 

Day 14 is hard. Day 21 is better. Day 28 is better than that. It just keeps getting better. Keep making connections. Keep following all the sober Instagram accounts. I just tell people because there are other women just like you doing the exact same work in their house on a Sunday morning somewhere else, and you just haven't met them yet.

Alex

Love that. Wow, Kristi , this was awesome. I definitely want to do a second call with you to just hear more and ask you more questions. I wish we had more time together, but hopefully you will be able to join us another time. And I want to share the links to your community and everything Sober Social with our group. I know we do have a couple of people in Wisconsin, definitely a lot in the States, and would just love to spread the word with everyone about the work you're doing because you're amazing. And I'm really proud of you and really proud to know you.

Kristi 

Thank you so much. I've looked up to you for years. You just like, we're the original. I'm like, Sober yoga girl, are you kidding me? This girl's awesome. You were out there doing it right before it was cool to do it, honestly. And that takes so much guts. And I'm so grateful to people like you that have been out there and open and sharing and giving me the runway to just go crazy.

Alex

You're awesome. Thank you so much. Hi, friend. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Sober Yoga Girl podcast. This community would not exist without you, so thank you for being here. It would be massively helpful if you subscribe to this show and leave a review so that we can reach more people. And if we haven't met yet in real life, please come hop on Zoom at the Mindful Life Practice because the opposite of addiction is connection. Sending you love and light wherever you are in the world.